Raising children into adulthood is a rewarding and enriching experience that is not without its challenges. Addressing these challenges can sometimes leave us as caregivers feeling tired, and let's face it, worn out! To be at our best we need to find ways to recharge our batteries and regulate our own emotions.

An unexpected benefit of practicing healthy coping strategies is that our children learn from watching us. It's very similar to learning a new language. We learn best when we hear it, read it and most importantly see people speaking it all the time. Making mistakes as we learn is part of the process. What are the signs that tell you that you're feeling overwhelmed? What is your plan to get through it? How do you seek support? Think of yourself as your child's travel guide as you teach them the language of emotion. Below are some suggestions to help you prepare yourself, and in doing so, prepare your child for a safe journey ahead. Remember, "practice makes perfect".

Proactive Strategies

Below are strategies that you can put into place now and can use regularly to help you feel less stressed.

Have Some Fun

Schedule time to do something that you enjoy and that brings you happiness. This will help to remind you that you have interests, friends and preferred activities that fall outside your role as parent/caregiver. Remember, you're worth it!

Create a Script

We all have moments when we feel overwhelmed and have difficulty finding the "right" words. During moments of relative calm take time to write down a few things that you could say to yourself and to your child when you're upset. Consider what would be grounding and comforting to you and your child. Reminding your child that you love them and that you are there for them may be what they need to hear when you/they are experiencing difficult emotions.

Give Thought to Your Own Experiences

As Anaïs Nin said, "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." Our individual experiences affect how we see situations, and we often parent the way we were raised. We all have areas of relative strength and weakness. Take time to consider your own experience and how they impact your response to your child/youth. When we increase self-awareness we find options we didn't know existed.

Determine Your Triggers and Your Responses

Some things will trigger you to feel more upset then others. Take the time to identify what these things are, and also what the signs are that tell you that you're struggling (e.g. do you eat less or more, are you more irritable, etc.). Once you identify these signs you will be in a better position to know when to put your self-care plan into action.

Create Your Plan, Keep it Accessible and Use It!

Complete the attached chart and place it somewhere accessible. Keep it simple and to the point so that you can quickly be reminded of your plan in the heat of the moment.

Take Time to Appreciate the Little Things

When we are dealing with difficult emotions it can be easy to lose sight of the positives. Write down things in your life that you are thankful for. Paying attention to even the smallest of gains can give us hope to help bridge us to better times.

Exercise

Physical exercise can release endorphins; the "feel good" chemical in the brain. It helps us let go of stress and can promote more restful sleep.

Use Relaxation Techniques

Research has shown that relaxation can improve one's overall feelings of well-being. Yoga, guided imagery, meditation, mindfulness and listening to relaxing music can help.

Use Your Senses

We're all individuals and our preferences for sensory input are unique. Is there a certain scent, texture, scene, taste or sound that helps you feel calm? Identify what promotes feelings of well-being through your senses. Once you know what is helpful, incorporate it in to your day to day activities.

Identify Your Supportive Relationships

We all have a fundamental need to be in loving and caring relationships. These special individuals delight in us, give us confidence and comfort us during our times of need. Being with someone does something to us. It can lessen the burden and sometimes help us to see situations from a different perspective.

Find Out What You Like

Keep an open mind. You may be in for an unexpected surprise when you try something new.

Practice!

Just as we don't practice fire drills when the building is on fire we shouldn't try new skills for the first time when we're under stress. The more we practice when we are in a positive space the easier it will be to apply during difficult moments.

Regulating Strategies

Breathe!

Slow and steady wins the race. Take slow, deep breaths to encourage your body to slow down. Breathe from the diaphragm so that your stomach moves more than your chest. Slow your breathing to the count of four when you breathe in and out. You can do this anywhere and no one needs to know. This is one of the quickest and easiest strategies.

Take a Minute (Or a Few)

When feeling frustrated or emotionally overwhelmed it's okay to tell your child you need to take a few moments for yourself. Your time is better spent taking a few minutes to calm yourself down then attempting to repair something you said or did out of anger. Refer to your self-care plan and give yourself permission to step back from the situation and look at it with a new lens.

Make a Kind Inference

Practice making kind inferences for your child as well as for yourself. People do the best they can, and there may be something not easily seen that is driving the issue (e.g., a youth was teased at school or a reminder from the past). Remember that we all struggle sometimes.

Count

Counting to ten before responding gives time to breathe and can prevent heated responses. This can give us enough time between interactions to calm ourselves and to consider our next steps.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Tense and hold one muscle group for five counts, then release it. This is an effective way to help your muscles relax. For a full body effect, start at your head or your feet and work down or up your body. If you carry tension in one main area focus on it.

Listen to Music

Identify songs, artists or music types that are calming and regulating for you. Keep them accessible and hit play when you feel your stress building.

Look at Your Plan

By updating and keeping your self-care plan accessible you will increase the likelihood of using it. The healthy strategies that you identify are customized by you and for you. Take a peak at the following pages for tips on how to create your self-care plan.

My Self-Care Plan

Consider the following points as you create your plan. Remember keep it simple, accessible and realistic. You are caring for yourself and role modeling for your child.

A message to myself:

Write a positive affirmation to yourself that is short and encouraging. Think about what you would want to hear when you're feeling upset. An example may be "I'm a good parent" … "I'm doing the best I can."

A message to my child/youth:

Write down a few things you can say to your child when you feel overwhelmed and are at a loss for words. Examples include "I love you no matter what.", "We will get through this together.", "You are safe.", "I'm here, you need me and we'll figure this out together".

Quick in-the-moment strategies:

List strategies that you can use in the moment. This can include but isn't limited to sensory input, muscle relaxation or deep breathing.

Preventative strategies:

Commit to trying out your new strategies. When we don't take time out for ourselves to calm down we will likely struggle repairing situations with our children. It can feel as though we're going around and round in circles which can leave us feeling frustrated. Time is well spent practicing our regulation strategies.

Things to remember:

It is easy to lose sight of the big picture when bogged down in our struggles. What are a few things that would be helpful for you to remember when feeling stressed or overwhelmed? For example, "My child has had many caregivers and naturally has a hard time trusting that I am different", "She is feeling anxious when she does that", "He doesn't know what to do with his feelings" and/or "Anger is close to fear".

My supports:

List the people that you can call on during your time of need. We're social creatures and we all need to feel the support of others when we're struggling. Your "peeps" can include family, close friends, neighbours or more formal supports (e.g. therapists).